“I just found Kamran really easy to speak to. The first time we spoke, we spoke for 14 or 15 hours. I was never a girly girl growing up with 3 brothers, my parents have instilled what I would say is quite core values, I come from a very liberal family – they always said if you want to find someone that’s fine, you just have to be honest about what you want in life. I knew what I wanted in a partner, I wasn’t into the let’s hangout and date and let’s see where this is going.”
“When I first told my mum about Kam, I said, ‘Oh, he’s Indian and from Hong Kong’. The first thing she asked was, ‘Does he have a British passport?', which cracked me up. Before meeting my mum for the first time, the cheeky sod sent a picture of his passport to me to show my mum. We still laugh over it today and my mum still thinks he’s from Singapore!”
“Initially, when I met my in-laws I thought their idea of what a daughter-in-law should be was quite archaic/old school. Whilst there is truth in this, I think I was also emotionally immature and lacked the ability to see their perspective, whether I agreed with it or not. As we’ve grown as a family, I see things so much more clearly now. As with all things in life, communication is key.
There are very different ideas of what's expected of one side and what’s expected of another side and what's expected of the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law. I found it quite stressful in the first few years of marriage.”
“For me, it was reminding myself, that we decided on this journey. We agreed to go through thick and thin together. Life will always throw things at you, you will have a bumpy road and it won’t be smooth sailing. If you can’t navigate this in the early stages, then decide that. We agreed to do this, we felt strongly towards each other and we faced the obstacles'.”
“I'm a medic and I have always been very honest about what kind of commitment that would require because I'm essentially saying my career is important. And I think in the South Asian community although everyone wants a daughter-in-law, whose a doctor they don’t actually understand what comes with that.”
“I wanted a husband like my dad because my dad is an amazing partner. I’ve always grown up with my dad coming home from work and giving my mum a peck on the cheek or giving her a cuddle. Like a very physically affectionate relationship. I know back in the days, it was also very Astaghfirullah; but that was my idea of love, not what you see in Bollywood movies.”
“Our older son was born with a heart condition and it required surgery, when he was 3 days old and then again when he was 4 months old and at 18 months. That was incredibly stressful and testing time. Especially for our marriage.”
“The rockiest part of our relationship, was after I gave birth to our second son. I was suffering from postnatal depression, which when you’re going through it, you don’t realise it.
I felt unsupported, I was very hormonal, I couldn’t communicate, I was overworked, I lost the feeling of being heard and wanted – I felt very lonely. We talked about it for a while – people talk about counselling like it’s the end-all of relationships, it’s where you go when you’re thinking about divorce. That was never our motivation. Our motivation was that we stopped learning how to communicate so maybe we need some help. We didn’t do very many sessions - and were soon back on track.”
“Another thing that works for us, when there are arguments and every relationship has them, is that one of us will bite our tongue. If both of us shout, it becomes a very toxic and explosive situation. One of us will normally bite our tongue and then we wont speak till the other party gets calmer.”
“If you speak in the rawness of the moment, you’re going to do more harm to your relationship than good.”
“The rule that you shouldn’t go to bed angry really irks me. When I first got married, all of my unmarried friends said that at that time. It is such bullshit, because there will be arguments that you’re flipping fuming and you will go to bed angry and probably not speak to one another for a day or something. That is normal human behaviour.
When we say don’t go to bed angry at one another, we are setting up an expectation or idea that if you do not do that, there is something wrong with you and your relationship. This idea that we need to be perfect and in love all the time, is bullshit. That is not true, no one is in love, a100% of the time. I don’t think about my husband all the time I’ll be completely honest…”
“Like when Hugh Jackman is on tv…”
“Or when I’m at work.”
THE BETTER DRIVER:
THE BETTER COOK:
Not sure we have one – he listens to trashy house music, I have actual taste!